are a broad-minded people. They'll accept the fact
other day I saw a tow truck hook up a car that was parked in a tow-away
zone, that's pretty dumb, but even dumber, there was some idiot in another
car waiting to pull into the space.
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you
yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
Q: Who has
the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
Q: What are
the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
Q: When driving
through fog, what should you use?
Q: How can
you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
Q: What problems
would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
Q: What changes
would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
Q: What are
some points to remember when passing or being passed?
Q: What is
the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow
Q: How do
you deal with heavy traffic?
Q: What can
you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO . It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks,
"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot cooming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
old man moans and replies, "Yes, Unhook my suspenders from your side-view
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
6. Place drain pan under engine.
7. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
8. Give up and use crescent wrench.
9. Unscrew drain plug.
10. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
11. Clean up.
12. Have another beer while oil is draining.
13. Look for oil filter wrench.
14. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver andtwist it off.
16. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
17. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
18. Throw oil lift on oil spilled during step 17.
19. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
20. Buy beer.
21. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
22. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
23. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
24. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw wrench.
27. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December and marked up her the left boob.
28. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
30. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
32. Lower car from jack stands.
33. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
34. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
35. Drive car 1/2
quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be time for another oil change.
It was a sweltering August day when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker.
"Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."
Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person." After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford, an infamous bigot, outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building. Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car.
"Please step inside, Mr. Ford."
"What!" shouted the tycoon, Are you crazy? It must be a hundred degrees in that car !" "It is," smiled the youngest brother, "but sit down Mr. Ford, and push the white button."
Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool. "This is amazing !" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"
One of the brothers spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused. "And there is something else. The name 'Cohen Brothers Air-conditioning' must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!"
"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but there is no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!'
They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens' name would be left off. However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.
And that is why even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel:
(Wait for it!)
NORM, HI and MAX
Most people hate to
parallel park. The other day, a man saw this woman trying to get out of
a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up and strike
the car behind her. This went on about 2 minutes.
An auto mechanic received
a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened
to Pete in payroll?" one asked.
Instructor Goes Over the Top
other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady comes in and asks
for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's
a seven ten cap?"
Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls.
"What happened this time?" he asked.
"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"
"Where are you?" John asked.
"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.
"And where's the car?" John asked.
"It's in here with me."
support people like me spend our days on the phone with customers. Many
like to chat while waiting for their computers to reboot. One man told
me he'd been a long-haul truck driver.
Tech support people like me spend our days on the phone with customers. Many like to chat while waiting for their computers to reboot. One man told me he'd been a long-haul truck driver.
I'd love to drive a big rig," I said, "but I'd worry about falling asleep at the wheel."
a tip to stay awake," he offered. "Put a $100 bill in your left
hand and hold it out the window."
I had moved to South Carolina from New York, and at that time a vehicle inspection was required to register my car. I was nervous; my car was in rough shape. I thought of New York's rigorous inspections. Any number of problems might turn up that would be expensive to fix. I drove down a country road and found a garage that had an inspection sign.
When I told the mechanic what I needed, he circled the car, turned on the lights and honked the horn. Then he attached a new sticker and asked me for the three-dollar fee.
I was shocked. "Is that all you have to do?" I asked.
"Well, you drove it here, didn't you?"