Bill Gates Jokes

Bill Gates, Bill Clinton and Al Gore die in a plane crash...
Bill Gates meets God
Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant
Bill Gates and the Contractor
Top 15 Surprises in Bill Gates' New Mansion
Bill Gates vs. GM 
Top 14 things on Bill Gates' to-do list

Bill Gates Net Worth Page (Wow!)


Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore die in an airplane crash

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.

They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe?"

Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."
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Bill Gates meets God

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world. and yet created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help you make a decision."

"Fine, so where should I go first?"

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you".

Bill said, "Okay, then, let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water. laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect."  Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!".

"Fine", said God. And off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Mm, I think I prefer Hell." he told God. "Fine," retorted God, " as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?:"

God says, "Oh, that was the screen saver"
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Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!"

Hugh replies: "well Bill, you know ... Ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune."

Bill (with a chuckle), "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number?" So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.

They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God I know why you chose the name Divine." To which she replies: "thank you Bill ... And now I know how you chose the name ... Microsoft."
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Bill Gates and the Contractor

While the Gates's are moving in from their temporary quarters nearby, final construction of their new house is not expected to be completed until the end of the year.

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table...etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: "sigh Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house - which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."
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Top 15 Surprises in Bill Gates' New Mansion

15 Sign over king-sized bed declares, "Use of the Words 'micro' and 'soft' strictly prohibited while in bedroom."

14 No paintings, but live artists actually hanging on the wall.

13 Drawbridge is raised and lowered by hand.

12 Entire state of Rhode Island relocated to east wing.

11 Raises guinea pigs in his bedroom for extra cash.

10 No toilet paper, but handy stack of $100 bills.

9 Secret passage in library leads to Nerdcave where Bill keeps the Nerdmobile.

8 Zima on tap.

7 Kato Kaelin sleeping in a corner of the trampoline room.

6 Tasteful and elegant 30,000 sq.ft. Hall of People Whose Businesses I Have Personally and Single-Handedly Crushed.

5 Basement shrine to Kelly Bundy.

4 Hidden away in the attic: his beloved childhood calculator, Rosebud.

3 Everywhere you look -- Women!

2 With 27 bathrooms, there's never a need to ask, "Where do you want to go today?"

and the Number 1 Surprise in Bill Gates's New Mansion...

1 Replica of the Eiffel Tower in the garden -- wait a minute... that's no replica!!
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Bill Gates vs. GM

Bill Gates, wanting to impress with success, decided to measure MS accomplishments against General Motors...

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 100000 mph"

General Motors responded:

"Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?"
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The Top 14 Things on Bill Gates' To-Do List

Last Friday, the judge in the antitrust trial of Microsoft ruled that the software company has monopoly power in PC operating systems and that it has used that power to crush potential threats from competitors.

As a result, "Uncle Bill" is making some changes:

bullet 14 Change menacing cackle to more of a charming titter.
bullet 13 Divest all holdings in Atlantic City, especially Boardwalk and Park Place.
bullet 12 Stop payment on Satan's check.
bullet 11 Search Field = "Technology" Salary > $25 Billion
bullet 10 Immediately cancel that "$5000 or a free trip to Disneyworld" offer.
bullet 9 Put somebody else in charge temporarily; take the winter off and find Rosebud.
bullet 8 Push own "Start" button. At prompt, choose "Shut Down" and then "Re-start Ego."
bullet 7 Create new corporate division in charge of sending flowers and candy to Sandy O'Connor.
bullet 6 Have Steve Jobs leave bag of flaming dog excrement on Janet Reno's doorstep.
bullet 5 Send message to mother ship: "My job here is done."
bullet 4 Dedicate my life to finding the *real* monopolists.
bullet 3 Hack into Justice Dept. web site, draw mustache on picture of Janet... um, draw *bigger* mustache on picture of Janet Reno.
bullet 2 See how quickly the government can prepare for the "11/9/99 Bug."
bullet 1 Halt global economy by taking all my money and going home.


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