"Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, perseverance, and a lot of other things you wouldn't need if you'd stayed single!"
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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
and his wife went golfing one day. The man ended the day by calling the
authorities due to a golf ball hitting his wife in the head and instantly
killing her. At the morgue, the pathologist explained to the man that
the golf ball was indeed the cause of death of his wife. The pathologist
did have one question. He asked the golfer how another golf ball had made
it's way up his wife's ass. The golfer explained, that was my mulligan.
(For the golfing novice, a mulligan is a free shot)
A woman, getting married for the fourth time, tells the pastor she intends to wear white.
"You can't wear white," the pastor says. "You're not a virgin. You've been married three times already."
"Of course I can, I'm a virgin," says the bride.
"Impossible!" says the pastor.
not," she says. "My first husband was a gynecologist, and all
he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychologist,
and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My third husband was a stamp
collector. Oh God, do I ever I miss him!"
LOVE - When
your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LOVE - When
intercourse is called "making love."
LOVE - When
you argue over how many children to have.
LOVE - When
you share everything you own.
LOVE - When
it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LOVE - When
you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LOVE - When
you write poems about your partner.
LOVE - When
you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LOVE - When
your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LOVE - When
you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LOVE - When
your heart flutters every time you see them.
LOVE - When
nobody else matters.
LOVE - When
all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LOVE - When
breaking up is something you try not to think about.
- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotch-less panties. She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as they had a drink. She slowly spread her legs ...
"Honey would you like some of this?"
no, look what it's done to your underwear!"
This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!
"Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!
Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified. "You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would screw like fiends.
Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantle
when he was licking his ass."
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will Follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." Completely shocked, the man said, "You can't be serious I could never shoot my own wife." "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances are.", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the remaining woman. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA people heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all was quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,
guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him
to death with the chair."
was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What
are the grounds for your divorce?"
with a black eye boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in
his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black
These four men were playing their usual weekend early morning golf game and three of them were bitching about how difficult it was to get away to play golf, each saying how their respective wife always tried to get him to do something else around the house.
fourth guy said "I never have a problem with my wife", whereupon
the other three looked at him in amazement saying "What's your secret,
tell us, PLEASE". So, he said "At 6 A.M., I awaken my wife and
say 'GOLF COURSE or INTERCOURSE' and she always replies 'You'd better
put on a warm sweater'".
wife's not talking to you.
Good: You came home
for a quickie.
Your daughter got a new job
One night Jerry brought home a dozen roses to his wife. "How lovely, dear," she commented. "What's the occasion?" "I want to make love to you," he said simply.
"Not tonight dear. I have a headache."
The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love.
"I'm awfully tired, honey," said his wife. "Not tonight."
Every night for a week Jerry brought home an elegant gift, but each time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.
"How adorable, Jerry," she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"
"These are the
pallbearers for your dead pussy."
Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife, but his wife wasn't there. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil 'the moment' by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:
THE TENT POLE IS UP,
The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE
So he sent another note down. It read:
THE TENT POLE'S STILL
To which she replied:
I'M SURE THAT YOUR
A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."
The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you?"
The husband replies,
"No - I'm turning the heat off."
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.
So the man says to his wife, "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill." She ignored the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, your butt really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while
in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If
you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly
A couple drove down a country road in silence. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
wife replied. "I married into the family."
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.
When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and
asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my
life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then,
the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely head moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. "What's wrong with you?" She asked him.
"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."
Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"
would have gotten out today."
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."
says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate."
We've all heard of the Air Force's high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped
out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the
plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter.
Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.
At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers,
then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've
never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey- wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
The man looks over
his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."
A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence call the day after the friend's wife has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right.
Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room having sex with the maid.
"Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!"
His friend looks up
and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?"
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead
A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been a really lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally gone. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him, "You know that fur coat you promised me?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!" She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"