One morning, the members of a farm family were coming to the kitchen for breakfast. Just as Junior seated himself, his mother told him he was not going to get anything to eat until he went to the barn and fed the animals.
Irritated at this, he stomped out the door and headed for the barn. As he fed the chickens, he kicked each one in the head. As the cow bent down to start in on the fresh hay he had just put in the stall, he kicked it in the head. He poured food into the trough for the pigs, and as they started eating, he kicked them in the head. He went back to the kitchen and sat down again.
His mother was furious. "I saw what you did, so since you kicked the chickens, you'll get no eggs for breakfast. And since you kicked the cow, you'll get no milk. And no bacon or sausage because you kicked the pigs."
Just then, the father came down the stairs and nearly tripped on the family cat. On impulse, he kicked the cat off the stairs.
boy looked at his mother and asked "Are you gonna tell him or should
A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer. The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, it is our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so letís go to the pub and celebrate my demise." Reluctantly, the son followed his father to the local pub.
while enjoying their ale, the father saw some old friends and told them
he was dying from AIDS. Shocked, the son turned to his father and said,
"Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from. It is cancer. Why did
you lie to those men?" The father replied: "Aye, my son, you
are right; but I donít want those bastards sleeping with your mom when
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some training on a Navajo Indian reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported
that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they have
come to steal your land."
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride
to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to go down on me (oral sex) during the way?"
"What?! Get Out of my cab, you scum." The businessman got into
the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with
the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi. When he got to his
old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much
for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "O.K." and off they went. Then, as they
drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile
and thumbs up sign to each driver.
A man takes his seat in the theater, but he is too far from the screen. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man rewards him with a quarter.
looks at his tip for a second and then leans over to whisper to the man,
"The wife did it."
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic, because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.
George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.
evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it
there all night.
Cancun, Mexico - Rita
Garcia has fessed up after bragging to friends about how she got even
with her ex. Garcia broke into her estranged husband's apartment and located
unused condoms in a drawer. She carefully opened a condom and peppered
chili powder in one, resealed it and waited for the results. After a moment
of passion with his 19-year-old girlfriend Pedro was rushed to the hospital
with his manhood on *fire*. Rita, upon her being charged with second degree
assault said, "He wanted hot sex with that 19-year-old and he's now
A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Germany a few months ago. So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows.
So he invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching the episodes of South Park. Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees, going down on his best friend. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough.
She then looks at
the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,
got the airbag!"
O'Neil was walking home from the pub one night when lo and behold he sees one of the Little Folk. He sneaks up and catches him in his stare and demands three wishes for the little man's freedom. "Granted" says the man in green, "but whatever I do for you, O'Reily will get twofold!"
Now O'Reily is no friend of O'Neil, in fact they hate each other, but O'Neil agrees.
"For my first wish I'd like a mansion full of expensive antiques and beautiful women."
"Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two!"
"For my second wish I'd like a beautiful, sexy, redheaded nymphomaniac." "Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two women."
Now by this stage O'Neil is pissed off, the hated O'Reily getting two mansions and two nymphomaniacs. Suddenly inspiration hits him.
my third wish, I want you to remove one of my testicles!"
CAMP HILL, Pa - Things got a little "sticky" for a 21-year-old Pennsylvania man when his 16-year-old girlfriend glued his penis to his abdomen to punish him for lying about another relationship.
According to a Camp
Hill police sergeant, the two were sitting on the sofa in "some type
of intimate encounter," when she took the Super Glue and "seized
the moment." The man went to the hospital but was told there was
nothing he could do except soak his penis until it freed itself. The girl
was charged with simple assault.
A married guy was out getting a little kinky sex when he suffered a massive heart attack and died...
The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying "Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can't get to go away... What would you like us to do?"
To which she replied, "Somehow, that doesn't surprise me... Cut it off and stuff it in his ass."
When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in the casket... Bending over him she said softly...
Germany - Move over Lorraine Bobbit. There is a new snip in town. Hotheaded
Helga Frosch was jailed recently for slicing her husband's penis off while
he was sleeping. She fled their apartment to a hotel, gift wrapped the
appendage and mailed it to husband Hans' mistress. When apprehended by
German police, Helga reportedly said, "He'll never cheat on me again
now that his feature attraction is stuffed in a jar of formaldehyde."
Your honor, I am 86 years old. So here I am, sitting there on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honor.
So, I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honor.
Why, Your Honor, I haven't felt that good in years! So, I just spread my old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I
shot the son of a bitch!
An alleged rapist picked the wrong area to target. After Rin Bros, 23, was arrested after a series of rapes, a mob of angry woman from the area broke into the police station in Batambang, Cambodia where he was being questioned. They then attacked Bros, cut off his penis, put it through a meat mincer and then served it to him on a plate before they hacked him to death with axes and knives.
to a policeman on the scene, "As soon as word got out that Bros was
being questioned, the police station was surrounded by hundreds of women.
We locked the doors but they broke all the windows and finally smashed
down the door. We were powerless."
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University, commented on by Jay Leno.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party; He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride.
He had gotten
suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them
weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there and watched the people's
reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said,
"F--- you!". He turned to his bride and said, "F---
you!", and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm
out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that
Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement
immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through
with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong.
wife left him, spurned husband Donald Niblett wrecked their home with
a bulldozer, causing damage in excess of 15,000 English pounds.
Taiwan - The seventh time was the charm for a woman in Taiwan who finally
succeeded in killing her husband by burning him alive. Earlier failed
attempts include a stabbing, a poisoning and a bogus car crash. Liao Je-hung
told a Taiwan court she set out to kill her husband, Lin Jung-lo, because
of his womanizing and miserliness. She then told them with this final
attempt she hired a hit man that got her husband drunk, took him to the
river and set him ablaze. Both she and the killer she hired have been
jailed for life for the murder. The other failed killers were jailed for
up to 18 years.
young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of
coffee at the start of every day.
- A female rape victim found a way to get justice herself. Two years after
her traumatic experience, she was driving by a group of convicts doing
roadwork when she spotted her tormentor. She promptly turned her car around
and ran him over, killing him instantly. Alabama officials have thrown
a veil of secrecy over the case for fear there will be a cry against the
use of chain gangs.
- A Japanese woman took her wedding vows of loyalty and faithfulness seriously,
so she was devastated when her husband confessed he had an affair. In
retaliation, she beat him with a frying pan, saying "You said you
would die if you had an affair, so I want you to die as you had promised."
After repeatedly hitting him with the pan, she then finished the job by
stabbing him to death. Yokohama District Court Judge Hiroshi Yamura acknowledged
the affair was wrong, but disagreed with the woman's actions. He said,
"The victim, though at fault, did not deserve to die. The act was
one of brutality, far exceeding that of a husband-wife fight." He
sentenced the woman to four years in prison.
An old Italian man, Uncle Vito, and woman, Juliana, were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not worried? Concerned? Afraid? of this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
down her drink and said, "Let the old bastard dig his way out. I
had him buried upside down!"
Illinois - No, the Illinois man did not mistake the petite pooch for a
bag of popcorn. Everette S. Howze deliberately threw his girlfriend's
dog in the microwave in an act of violent jealousy. Because of the amount
of attention given to the dog by his girlfriend, the 41-year-old Howze
decided to take matters into his own hands and fry the poor pup in the
microwave. Police are holding Howze on a charge of animal abuse-aggravated
cruelty. Had the canine been a German Shepherd, he might have had to use
the conventional oven.
Three men were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came upon this harem with over 100 beautiful women.
They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will each die and in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop," says the first man. "All right, shoot his penis off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a fireman," said the second man. "All right, burn his penis off!" said the sheik.
he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face, "I'm a
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and ask for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny!?" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime
you're ready, Father of Four!"
A woman walks in on her husband sleeping with his gorgeous secretary. Understandably furious, she pulls the man out of bed by his dick, then drags him to the tool shed.
While still holding on, she pulls out a vice. The man looks worried as she begins to put his dick in it and grabs a hack saw.
The man worriedly asks, "You're not gonna cut it off are you, honey?"
woman replies with a smile, "No, dear. I'm just going to set the
shed on fire. It's your choice on how to get out."
- Roosevelt Bonds, 51, witnessed his former girlfriend, Anna Rhinehart,
40, at a restaurant with another man. He then proceeded to approach Rhinehart
and knock out her two front teeth. In retaliation, the 220-pound woman
sat on her ex-boyfriend's chest and clubbed him to death with her size
12 high heeled shoe. Rhinehart was charged with manslaughter and criminal
possession of a weapon, her shoe.
- After one family managed to upset a waiter at a nearby Sizzler, the
young server dropped by later with his girlfriend and two little brothers
to exact his revenge. A gallon of maple syrup, raw eggs and rolls of toilet
paper were strewn about the family's home and lawn. The waiter and his
accomplices were arrested and face misdemeanor charges.
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctor operated and after the surgery advised him that all was well. However, in the recovery room the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctor hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence...
well quick...from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
- Calling your wife in the middle of an affair, though it was by accident,
will always put a man in a dangerous situation. An adulterous Finn accidentally
dialed his wife as he made love to her friend in his car. Had the woman
not moaned "I love you" during the time the phone was on, the
man might have had an explanation. Filled with rage, the wife went over
to the woman's house and punched her in the face before heading back home
to wield an axe at her cheating husband. Though he managed to fend off
the attack, the man received quite a scare. A court official says the
wife received a 14-month suspended sentence for the attacks. The couple
has since split up.
new way of getting rid of those pesky telemarketers...a Minnesota man
became so aggravated with a company that continually hounded him with
telemarketing calls that he called the place more than 100 times in two
days. Marc Plaisted said he began calling Minnesota AutoGlass after their
telemarketers called him three times a day even after he asked them politely
to stop. He said the marketers ignored his requests and even started swearing
at him, so he decided to take matters into his own hands. "I just
called them every five minutes and let them know that, no, I don't have
a crack in my windshield, because this seems to be something they are
very concerned about," he said. Finally, he was removed from the
calling list and proof of the removal will be put in writing.
AZ - It's never a good idea to take criminal matters into your own hands...
unless, of course, you own a very large sport utility vehicle. After being
robbed by three armed suspects, a co-owner, known only as Peter, hopped
into his Hummer and chased after the criminal trio and their getaway driver.
Eventually catching up with them in a nearby neighborhood, Peter proceeded
to roll his Hummer over the top of their car, crushing the roof on them.
Two of the suspects were taken to the hospital in critical condition,
while the other two were caught by police after they fled the scene. It
is not known if Peter will face charges.
Three Big Bad Bikers went into a roadside Truck Stop and went up to an older gentleman at the counter who was having his breakfast.
The first biker took out his cigar and dropped it into the man's coffee.
He didn't say a word and resumed eating his breakfast.
The second biker tipped over his glass of orange juice.
Still no reaction.
The third ugly guy dumped the guy's plate of bacon and eggs on the floor.
The little old man got up without saying a word, paid his bill and left the cafe.
"He wasn't much of a man was he?" questioned the leader of the pack.
said the waitress, "and not much of a truck driver either. He just
ran over three Harleys in the parking lot."
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
I would like to share my idea of Anger Management.
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered,
I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would
have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar
with the Caller ID program?"
One day I
was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy
in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited
for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.
I said, "Is
this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is."
I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months
of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up
with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. When I got there, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.
NOW, I feel
better - This is "Anger Management" at it's very best.
Calif. - A hefty California prostitute turned the tables on an abusive,
small client with his own knife and paraded him naked in front of other
streetwalkers. The Bakersfield Californian said the man drove up to the
unidentified woman and asked to pay for sex. He ignored her directions
on where to park, and went to a field where he allegedly pulled a knife.
The man stands 5-foot-5 and weighs 140 pounds and the woman stands 5-foot-7
and weighs 245 pounds. She soon had the knife away from him and ordered
him to strip. She then drove back to where other prostitutes were and
asked if anyone recognized him. Police did and charged 45-year-old Adrian
Ramirez with committing forcible sex acts on the 24-year-old woman. Police
said Ramirez has a lengthy criminal record including four counts of rape.
He is free on $250,000 bond awaiting his Dec. 30 hearing.
This lovely young girl is sitting in a train carriage on her own when a crusty old bastard comes in, eating a tray of king prawns.
He sits opposite her, shelling his prawns and flicking the shells on the floor. Occasionally he tosses on onto the lady's lap with a sneer.
When he's finished the meal he casually screws up the polystyrene tray he's been eating from and throws it at the girl's face.
The young lady calmly stands up, picks the shells off the floor, puts them back in the tray and throws the whole mess out the window.
Then she walks over to the emergency stop button and thumps it hard.
"You dumb bitch," the dirty old man burps. "That's gonna cost you $100!"
"Maybe," she replied, "but when the police smell your fingers it's gonna cost you 10 years."