Sex-Related Humor III

Don't miss the Original Sex-Related Humor Page!

Do I have to point out that some of this material may be considered offensive? -- And that you should leave right now if you're easily offended?

WARNING!
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting
a survey and asks you to show him your tits, DO NOT show him
your tits. This is a scam. He is only trying to see your tits.

And if this isn't offensive enough,
how about an animated Gif of Popeye?

 

 

She Says It's Icky So I Shoot It Into the Pillow  
The Calories of Sex  
The Long-Haired Hitchhiker and the Trucker  
I'm Not Horny, Just Homesick  
She Had a Clitoris Like a Melon  
What Do You Want to Do, Knit or Screw?  
I'm Tho Thor I Can Hardly Pith  
Strange Sexual Fetishes  
I Think One of the Guys at Work is Gay  
A Woman Falls Off Her Balcony  
Oh, That's Just My Beaver 
No Good Terms for Female Masturbation  
First Visit to a Japanese Whore House  
Left Nut Go Oomph, Right Nut Go Oomph 
Three Generations of Hookers
Something More Than Massage?
Discussing Names for Their Husbands
Now You Won't See Me For Awhile
Ethnic 3 Men Go to Hell Joke
A Rabbi Goes to a Bordello
How Many Calories in Sperm?
When It's All the Way In, I Can't See a Thing
The Explorer and the Stud
How About Doing It Turkey-Style?
The Sailor and the Old Hooker
This Drug Makes Women Crave Sex
Stanley the Sperm
Having a Baby - Unsure of the Father
A Prisoner Breaks Into Their Home
James Calls From the Grave
A Creative Headache Cure
The Toughest Whore in the House
A Penis Lands on the Windshield
Ancient Chinese Proverbs  
Mr. and Mrs. Smith at Their Divorce Hearing  
Dear Abby, My Husband's a Sex Maniac  
The Different Types of Orgasms Defined  
If You're Single and in Swaziland... You're Not Getting Any  
A Father is About to Explain the Birds and the Bees
Feminine Deodorant Spray - Russian Style  
The Toughest Hooker in the Yukon  
Returning a Blow-Up Doll  
3 Martinis to Get Her to Do It Doggie Style  
An Amish Girl's First Exposure to a Penis 
What's That Between the Elephant's Legs?  
A Penis Requesting a Raise 
A Huge Guy Marries a Tiny Girl
A Farmer Discussing Orgasm With His Wife
Pretty Tight, Eh?
Dressed as a Premature Ejaculator
Sidney Buys Stay-Hard Spray
Two Sisters Afraid of Lightning
Two Dwarfs and Two Prostitutes
New Procedure at the Fertility Clinic
Top 10 Excuses Not to Have Sex
Cartoon Character Sexual Humor
Love Dress
The Masturbata
When Cybersex is Too Realistic
He's Only Got 30 Erections Left
Save That for When You're Married
Selecting a Penis Replacement
Horse Race Line Up
A Cucumber, a Pickle and a Penis
Welcome to Jamaica. Have a Nice Day


Ancient Chinese Proverbs

- Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
- Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
- Man who scratches ass should not bite finger nails.
- Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
- Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
- Man with dick in peanut butter is fucking nuts .
- Man who fuck girl on ground, have piece on Earth.
- Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
- Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
- Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
- It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
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What Seems to be a Strange Sexual Ritual...

A salesman  went to the door of a young couple one day and rang the doorbell. After 3 rings and no answer, he assumed no one was home and decide to leave. He happened to pass by an open window and saw the couple naked on the sofa.

Being a pervert, he peered closer to get a better look. He notice the woman was sitting with her legs wide open, shaving her pubic area while staring at her husband. He, on the other hand, was naked, stroking himself, shaking his head wildly back and forth with his free hand splashing in the fish tank.

The salesman was embarrassed when a neighbor walked up and found him peeping. "These people need help!" said the salesman.

"No, they don't," replied the neighbor. "They're deaf, and the wife is just telling her husband he needs to cut the grass, but the husband is telling the wife 'fuck no! I'm going fishing.'"
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Mr. and Mrs. Smith at Their Divorce Hearing

Mr. and Mrs. Smith go before the judge for their divorce hearing. The judge asks, "What are the grounds?"

Mrs. Smith says, "Cruel and inhuman punishment--He tied me to the bed and then forced me to sing 'Jingle Bells' while he pissed all over me."

The judge says, "Good grief! That's horrible."

She replied, "Yes your honor. He knows how much I hate that song."


She Says It's Icky So I Shoot It Into the Pillow

This young couple have been trying to have a baby. After six months they complain to the doctor that they just aren't having any luck.

"What position are you in when you ejaculate?" the physician asks Frank, the husband.

"What's 'ejaculate'?" asks Frank.

"Well, uh, that's when you climax and semen is emitted," explained the doctor patiently.

The young man looks puzzled for a few moments then asks, "Do you mean the gooey white stuff? Well, my little honey says it's icky... so I shoot it into the pillow."
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Dear Abby, My Husband's a Sex Maniac

Dear Abby,

I'm e-mailing to tell you my problem. It seems, I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He wants sex regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, washing dishes, sweeping, even when I'm writing email. He'll just sneak up behind me and poke away. I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd fun othel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld;;'cinsely ous mdyl isnt';dk~0.';.';/.;'?a223
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The Calories of Sex

It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories
 
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A PRESERVATIVE:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories

ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over.........................  Results are still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories
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The Different Types of Orgasms Defined

Did you know there are different types of orgasms? They are:

The positive orgasm: "Oh yes, Ohh yesss, OH YESSSS!"

The negative orgasm: "Oh no, Ohh nooo, OH NOOO!"

The spiritual orgasm: "Oh god, Ohh goddd, OH GODDD!"

The fake orgasm: "Oh Alfred, Ohh Alffffrreedd, Oh Allllffffrrrreeeeddd!!!!!

The Italian Classical Orgasm : 'Na Naa Naaaa....'

The Rock 'n' Roll orgasm : 'O Baby, O baby.... O baby'

The Heavy Metal Orgasm : 'Cmmon Honey, Go Johnny, Yeah Baby, Deeper Honey, Comin baby, EEEEaaahh, EEyyyeEAAh, Yeeeaah..'

The instrumental orgasm : 'Ooonnnh, ooOOONNNNh, eeeEEEeAAAAaoOOhh'

The Alternative Orgasm : 'O Shit O Fuck OShiiit O Fuck ohShhhhhiiit
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The Long-Haired Hitchhiker and the Trucker

A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the Deep South. He got a ride from a mean-looking trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?"

"Ask you what?" replied the trucker.

"If I'm a boy or a girl..." answered the youth.

"Don't matter," replied the trucker, "I'm gonna fuck ya anyway."
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If You're Single and in Swaziland... You're Not Getting Any

SWAZILAND - High unemployment rates lead to...lots of sex. At least according to Swaziland ruler King Mswati III. The idle time has left citizens to entertain themselves and a damaging side effect has been the HIV/AIDS epidemic. The King outlined a new plan at his 33rd birthday to fight the epidemic - he has reinstated the Umchwasho, a maiden's chastity rule also called Flower of the Nation. Thus, Swaziland has officially banned single women from sexual activity for five years. Maidens cannot shake hands or wear pants, and virgins must wear blue and black "do not touch me" tassels. Those already in a relationship and over 19 must wear different tassels, and men acting against the ruling will be fined a cow.
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I'm Not Horny, Just Homesick

A salesman on business in Vegas is in a bar. He is talking to a pretty woman for about a half hour when he realizes she is a hooker.

"I'll give you $200 for a mediocre blow job," he says.

"Honey," she replies, "for $200 I'll give you the blow job of a lifetime!"

"You don't understand," he says, "I'm not horny, just homesick."
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A Father is About to Explain the Birds and the Bees

A father asks his ten-year old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at the age of six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"
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She Had a Clitoris Like a Melon

During an international gynecology conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently.

"Only last week" the Frenchman said "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!"

"Don't be absurd" the Brit exclaimed. "It couldn't have been that big -- she wouldn't have been able to walk if it were."

"Aah, you English, always thinking about size" replied the Frenchman. "I was talking about the flavor!"
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What Do You Want to Do, Knit or Screw?

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there!"

The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or screw?"
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Feminine Deodorant Spray - Russian Style

The Russian couple's sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a black market copy of a sex manual. A week later, the man said to the women, "Honey, I want to eat your pussy like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"

She agreed. An hour later, she returned, all excited. "You should see the flavors they have," she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana ...."

"What did you get?" he interrupted.

"Tuna," she replied.
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I'm Tho Thor I Can Hardly Pith

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Odin, "It's been a long time now. I really need to have sex."

Odin stood and pondered for a while, before replying, "Go to Earth, O Thor, and find thyself what they call a 'lady of joy' and treat her to your manly pleasures."

And this Thor did. The next day, he came back up to see Odin, and told him of the previous night's events. "My friend," he said, grinning from ear to ear, "It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times.."

"37 times!" exclaimed Odin. "That poor woman! Mere mortals cannot endure such treatment. You must go and apologize this instant!"

So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute, saying. "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor..."

"You're Thor?" shouted the girl. "You're Thor? What about me? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!"
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The Toughest Hooker in the Yukon

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.

"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "Well, you found her." Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."
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Strange Sexual Fetishes

Infantilism - Acting like a baby.

Body inflation - these people would like to have a certain body part inflated.

Furverts - they sexualize their favorite cartoon character.

Macrophiles - sexual fantasies of being tiny and at the mercy of a gigantic human.

Ponyplay - human-into-animal transformation.

Klismaphilia - obtaining sexual enjoyment from enemas.

Plushies - sexualizing stuffed animals.

Inflatable pool toys

Necrophiliacs - fascination with dead people.

Insect fetish

Coughing fetish

Car exhaust fetish

Sneezing fetish
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Returning a Blow-Up Doll

A guy goes running into a sex shop to return his blow-up doll. He says to the owner, "Excuse me, but I blew this doll up last night and straight away she went down on me. I want my $50 back."

The owner says, "Hell, if I'd have known she was going to do that, I'd have charged you $75."

And on a similar note:

This guy likes the new blow-up doll so much he orders one. Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the
box and cannot believe how realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks, so he decides to blow it up. Once inflated he gets really turned on and thinks, "What the hell!" and has sex with the doll.

Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends it out to the guy.

A month later the guy calls up, "You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up doll you sent me? I cannot tell you how happy I am."

Supplier, "That's great!"

Guy, "Yeah, it's a totally believable experience."

Supplier, "Realistic then?"

Guy, "So realistic I got syphilis."


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I Think One of the Guys at Work is Gay

John comes home from work and says to his wife, "I think one of the guys at work is gay."

His wife asks, "Why do you think that?"

He says, "Today we were standing at the urinals and he was jerking off."

She asks, "How does that make him gay?"

"Because," said John, "he was using MY penis."


Two Couples Try Partner-Swapping

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial.

After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years! I wonder how the girls are doing?"
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A Woman Falls Off Her Balcony

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and he dropped her.
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3 Martinis to Get Her to Do It Doggie Style

Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two dogs going9 at it on a lawn. One guy, who's married, looks at the other and says, "Jeez, I'd give anything to do it to my wife like that." The other, a single guy, says, "Heck, that's easy. Just feed her three martinis."

The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning. The single one asks the other, "Well, did you get to do it to your wife doggie style?" The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis."

The single guy exclaims, "SIX martinis! How come so many?"

The husband replies, "Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn."
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An Amish Girl's First Exposure to a Penis

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." So he did.

Next day the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put it between my legs, it will warm up." He did and his nose warmed up.

The next day the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The daughter said "Put it between my legs, it will warm up."

Later that week, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother. She says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Mother says "Sure why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they just make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!"
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Oh, That's Just My Beaver

A little boy was staying at his grandmotherís house. In the morning, his grandmother was about to take a shower and the boy asked if he could take a shower with her. She said yes and when they got in the shower, the little boy pointed to his granny's privates and asked her what 'it' was.

"Oh, that is just my 'Beaver'," she replied.

Satisfied with the answer, he just replied, "Oh."

Later that week, back at his house the little boys mother was about to take a shower. He asked if he could get into the shower with her. His mother said yes, and this time he points to his motherís privates and asks, "What is that, mommy?"

His mother, a little embarrassed replies, "Why that's my beaver, honey. Why do you ask?"

"Well," says the young boy, "Grandma has a beaver, too, but I think it's dead because it's tongue hangs out."
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What's That Between the Elephant's Legs?

A Mother and Father take their young son to the circus. When the elephants appear, the son is intrigued by them, and he turns to his mother and says, "Mom, what's that hanging between the elephant's legs?"

The mother is very embarrassed, and says "Oh, it's nothing son."

So the son turns to his father and asks the same question. The father replies, "It's the elephant's penis, son."

So the son says, "Why did mom say it was nothing?"

The father draws himself up, and says proudly, "Because I've spoiled that woman, son."
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No Good Terms for Female Masturbation

Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation, i.e. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin' the salami and so on, there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.

"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.

"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first.

"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."

The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."

"What's that?"

"Finishing the job."
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First Visit to a Japanese Whore House

A man was on his first business trip to Japan when he decided to check out the local whore house. He walked in and was assigned a beautiful lady with a body that didn't quit. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town.

Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Wasukima! Wasukima!"

He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and repeatedly shouted, "Wasukima! Wasukima!"

All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, "Why do you keep shouting 'wrong hole'?"
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Left Nut Go Oomph, Right Nut Go Oomph

One day a big Indian Chief goes to his local pharmacy. He goes up to the clerk and says, "Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go 'oomph', right nut go 'oomph', dick go 'oomph', condom go BOOM!"

Now the clerk was quite impressed by this sexual feat so he grabbed some Trojans for professionals and tells the Chief to come back and tell him how they work for him.

The next day, the big Chief comes back to the pharmacy, goes right up to the clerk and gruffly says, "Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go 'oomph', right nut go 'oomph', dick go 'oomph', condom go BOOM!"

The clerk thinks to himself, "Damn, this guy must have some kind of super ejaculation going on."  So he goes into the back of the store and gets a prototype condom for the Chief. The description on the box reads, "This is a joint effort between Goodyear and Michelin. This condom is steel belted and should only be used in extreme circumstances."

The clerk hands the condom to the Chief and tells him about the special condoms, and to report back to him on how well they work for him.

The next day, the Chief comes back on crutches with a shotgun under his arm.  He storms up to the clerk.  The clerk is thinking, "Oh Shit! The condom must not have worked and he's really pissed."

The Chief looks at the clerk and yells, "Last night me fuck squaw!! Left nut go 'oomph', right nut go 'oomph', dick go 'oomph, condom go 'oomph, left nut go 'BOOM'!"
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They've Gotten Into Some Kinky Sex

A couple has been dating for three months, and the sex is getting dull.

One night they're lying in bed when the girl says, "Harry, want to try something new? It's very kinky."

He says, "Sure."

She says, "Stand over me and take a shit on me."

He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on her chest.

She says, "Now lie in it on top of me and screw me."

He lies on top of her, with the shit oozing between them, and she gives him the wildest hump he's ever had.

The next time they're lying in bed, it's boring and she asks him to do it again. He stands over her and grinds out a huge turd onto her chest. Then he lies on her, and they have another incredible lay.

As time goes on, Harry really gets into it. He eats like a horse on the days before their dates, because it seems the more he craps on her, the better the sex is.

One Thursday night, he has the runs, so on Friday morning he eats a few cheese sandwiches and downs a whole bottle of Kaopectate before he goes to work, so he won't wheedle down his
legs at the office.

That night, he goes to her house, they go in the bedroom and get undressed, she lies on the bed, he stands over her, and squats down, and grunts...but nothing comes out. He strains a bit, and grunts, and then llbbt!...a little fart...but nothing of any substance. For a few minutes, he's pushing and grunting, when suddenly he hears her crying.

He says, "Honey, what's wrong?"

She says, "You're seeing someone else, aren't you?"
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Three Generations of Hookers

Three generations of hookers were sitting around the brothel one day just talking about the business. The youngest one complained, "You know Mom and Grandma, now guys want a blow job and a fuck for $100! I don't think I can stay in business at those prices."

Her Mom thinks for a while and says, "Well dear, in my day we would give a blow job and for only $25 and we considered ourselves lucky to get that!"

Grandma looks at her daughter and her granddaughter and says, "The both of you don't know what tough times really are. Back during the depression we used to give blow jobs for free. We were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"
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A Penis Requesting a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags
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A Huge Guy Marries a Tiny Girl

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"

The big guy says, "I just sit there naked on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."

His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."

The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."
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Something More Than Massage?

A guy is on a business trip and he's staying in this fancy hotel. He goes up to his room, and there's a sign near the bed that says, "Try our Oriental Massage".

So he rings down to the reception desk and tells the clerk that he'd like to try one of these massages. About ten minutes later this Japanese lady comes up and starts giving him a massage.

He's lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny. She tells him to turn over and he does, revealing a huge boner.

"Ahh, you want wanky!" she giggles.

"Oooh, yes!" he leers.

She runs off into the bathroom and he lies on the bed waiting. A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door and says "You finished yet?"
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Discussing Names for Their Husbands

Three bored soccer Moms were sitting around before their kids' soccer game, discretely talking about their love lives. "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does," one woman boasted.

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her Jamba Juice, then finally frowned and sighed, "I call my husband the Postman. He always delivers late, and half the time, it's in the wrong box!"
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A Farmer Discussing Orgasm With His Wife

A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening. She was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowned for a moment, then said, "O.K." He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About half an hour later he returned all tired and sweaty and said, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it was hard to tell."
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Pretty Tight, Eh?

Bob goes on a blind date with this Canadian chick named Cindy. Later, after dinner and a movie, Cindy invites Bob up to her apartment to fool around.

She reclines on the couch, spreads her legs and says, "Stick a finger in me."

Bob obliges. Then Cindy says, "Stick in the other three."

Once again, Bob obliges. Then Cindy says, "Just go ahead and shove your whole hand in there."

So Bob eases his hand into Cindy, who then says, "Now shove in your other hand."

Bob does so, and Cindy says, "Now CLAP!"

Bob tries, but nothing doing. "I can't!" he says.

Cindy looks at him with a smile and says, "Pretty tight, eh?"
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Now You Won't See Me For Awhile

The young couple is on their honeymoon. After a few hours of exhausting great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."

"We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where're you going?"

"Nowhere, Sweety," he says. "Roll over."
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Dressed as a Premature Ejaculator

A man goes to a fancy costume party dressed only in his trousers. A woman comes up to him and says, "What are you supposed to be?"

The man says, "A premature ejaculator."

"What?" says the woman.

The man says, "I've just come in my pants."
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Ethnic 3 Men Go to Hell Joke

A white man, a Chinese man, and a black man all died and went to hell. The devil decided to have a little fun with them, so he made a deal with them.

He told them that he would hold each man's dick in his hands, and if it melted, they had to stay in hell, but if it didn't melt, they got to go back to earth.

First he held the white's mans schwantz. It immediately melted and he was led away by a demon to his eternal home.

Next, he held the Chinese man's pencil-dick, which also melted, and he was led away to his eternal punishment.

Then it was the black man's turn. The devil grabbed hold of his humungous johnson and was very surprised when it did not melt like the others' did.

Satan asked him why that he was any different from the others. To which the black man replied, "Milk chocolate melts in your mouth, not in your hands!"
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Sidney Buys Stay-Hard Spray

Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a sex shop for a remedy. The clerk hands him a little purple can and says, "This is Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all night."

Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf and waits eagerly for bedtime. Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever.

The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down on the counter and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"

Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose you hid this stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"

"Yeah, so?"

"You grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off."
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A Rabbi Goes to a Bordello

The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the bell, and on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi's garb.

"May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice.

Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we..."

"I know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on da girls."

Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those."

The rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed.

There, to Rosie's astonishment, the rabbi performed with skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm.

As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, Rabbi?"

The rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old."

"That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if you're ever in the neighborhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me... Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you."

The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now, and believe me, I will be in the mood again."

"Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap."

"Okay."

The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless."

"Of course, Rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the rabbi's testicles free of the sheet.

For five minutes the rabbi slept, then woke with a start and said, "I'm ready." To Rosie's delight, he was even better the second time around.

As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I don't understand is why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?"

"Oh that," said the rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much, but the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there in my coat is five hundred dollars."
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Two Sisters Afraid of Lightning

Two matronly sisters lived together and managed a farm. For years both had an extreme fear of thunderstorms and lightning.

One day one of the sisters was visiting a neighbor, and while walking home was caught in a severe thunderstorm. Lightning was streaking across the sky and thunder was booming all around. Being totally terrified, she ran to a nearby haystack and buried her head in the hay like an ostrich, so she could not see the lightning or hear the thunder.

With her head buried in the hay, her rear end was exposed, and the wind blew her dress up exposing the long unused part of her anatomy.

Along comes the village idiot who promptly pulled down his pants and went to town. After fully satisfying himself he zipped his pants and went on his merry way.

When the storm subsided the sister pulled her head out of the haystack and rushed home, calling to her sister, "Sissy, Sissy, let me tell you something! If you ever get struck by lightning, you'll never be afraid again!"
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How Many Calories in Sperm?

Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, "I think I'm going to see a dietician."

Nina asked, "Why?"

Rosy answered, "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories are in sperm."

Nina replied, "I really have no clue, but if you're swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you're a little chunky."
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Two Dwarfs and Two Prostitutes

Two dwarfs go into a bar and pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again,...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection.

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" "I couldn't even get on the bed!.."
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When It's All the Way In, I Can't See a Thing

"In my case," said the student to the sex researcher, "when I get it part way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all the way in, I can't see a thing."

"Now, that's a most interesting optical reaction that may well have anatomical as well as physiological basis," the researcher replied. "If you don't mind young man, I should like to have a look at it."

So the student shrugged and stuck out his tongue.
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New Procedure at the Fertility Clinic

After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants! "Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.

"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.

"Well, yes, I do," answered the woman.

"Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out of the bottled stuff. You'll just have to settle for what's on tap."
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The Explorer and the Stud

This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter in one. One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome, black young man engaged in "playful activities" with ten beautiful, black young women, all in the nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the Brit had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.

"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply. "This is his morning ritual."

"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be that size?"

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

"He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"
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Top 10 Excuses Not to Have Sex

10. I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.

9. We're out of paper bags for your head again.

8. You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was making love to Big Foot.

7. You're 20 bucks short.

6. We're out of gin again.

5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.

4. Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.

3. I can't tonight, honey, I spent myself earlier today watching all those pornos.

2. Only if you put on this wig and talk like a Chinese hooker.

And the number 1 excuse to not have sex:

1. Your gynecologist just called - you still have crabs and you know how I don't like seafood.
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How About Doing It Turkey-Style?

"Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby.

"Hmmm... I'm in the mood for something special tonight. How about turkey style?" replied the wife.

"Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what is turkey style?"

She smiled at him seductively and whispered, "Gobble, gobble, gobble!"
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Cartoon Character Sexual Humor

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters whenever they had sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever it bothered him, and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?

 

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

 

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me, you bastard! Lie to me!"
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The Sailor and the Old Hooker

After a year at sea, a sailor comes ashore, gets drunk, and runs to a brothel.

The old madam says, "All my girls are busy, but I'll take care of you."

He says, "I'm desperate, so you'll do."

They go into a room, and after a while, the madam says, "I may have winter in my hair, but I've got summer in my heart!"

The sailor says, "Yeah, well, if you don't get a little more spring in your ass, we're gonna be here 'til Fall."
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Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law said.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said.
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This Drug Makes Women Crave Sex

On a routine visit to the doctor a man remembered that the doctor was working on a drug that would make a women crave sex. He asked the doctor if he could have a few samples of the drug. The doctor argued that he was not working on such a drug.

The man persisted and the doctor agreed to give him 2 pills of his secret drug.

At home, the man told his wife to take one of the pills. He then thought he would benefit from the drug too, so he took the second pill.

An hour later, the man was sitting at the dinner table with his wife. She uttered, "I sure could use a man".

The man said, "Me too..."
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The Masturbata

Adam Sandler's Song "The Masturbata" (sung to the tune of the Macaraena)

Sitting in my house, and I know that I'm alona,
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bona.
Go and grab a Penthouse its the one with Sharon Stona.
Hey Masturbata!!

I go a little faster and its feeling kinda nicea,
Once ain't enough so I have to do it twicea.
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advicea.
Hey Masturbata!!

I use some baby oil or a little vaselina,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet cleana.
Never shake my hand cause you don't know where its beena.
Hey Masturbata!!

I do it in the car when I'm driving down the streeta,
One hand on the whell and my other on my meata.
I can't get out the car cause I'm sticking to the seata.
Hey Masturbata!!

Since I was a kid I have been a Masterbata,
choke the chicken, hum the nob, squeezing the tomata.
I've looked at Ms. November now I'm gonna decorate her.
Hey Masturbata!!

Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacona,
Pounding on the flouder and its mayonnaise I'm makinga.
Spank the frank, wax the carrot, god my hand is achinga.
Hey Masturbata!!
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Stanley the Sperm

Once upon a time, there was a sperm named Stanley, who lived inside a famous movie actor.

Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do push ups and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing.

One day, one of them became curious enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day. Stanley said, " Look pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right time comes, I am going to be that one sperm!"

A few days later, they all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter. They knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly and sure enough, there was Stanley, swimming far and ahead of all the others.

All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with all his might." Go back! Go back!", he screamed. "It's a blow job!"
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When Cybersex is Too Realistic

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of Cybersex. Then again, maybe he does....


Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner. It's smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you! Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hands suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly...I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing you hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take of my panties!

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you... ummm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking!

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit! I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover!

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...in your... you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener is all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh nooooo!

Sweetheart: Bye!!!
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Having a Baby - Unsure of the Father

A nurse says to a girl in the maternity ward, "Would you like your husband to be present at the birth?"

She says, "I'm afraid I don't have a husband, or a boyfriend. I'm unattached...I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth, the nurse says to the girl, "You have a healthy bouncing baby, but the baby is black."

The girl says, "I was down on my luck, so I took a job in a porno movie where the lead man was black."

The nurse says, "The baby also has blonde hair."

The girl says, "There was a Swedish guy in the movie, too."

The nurse says, "The baby also has slanted eyes."

The girl says, "There was a Chinaman in the movie, too."

Then the nurse hands the baby to the girl. The girl spanks it, and it cries out.

The girl says, "That's a relief. I was afraid the little bastard was gonna bark."
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He's Only Got 30 Erections Left

A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis."

The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem.

He tells her what the doc told him.

She says, "Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that! We should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."
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A Prisoner Breaks Into Their Home

A prisoner escapes from prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties the woman up to the bed, gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you "

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. Love you too!!!"
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Save That for When You're Married

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.

"Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest.

"Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"
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James Calls From the Grave

Peter and James have been friends for more than sixty years. One day Peter says to James, "Let's make a pact: whoever dies first will try to come back and tell the other what heaven's like." They both agree, and none too soon because the next day James has a sudden heart attack and dies.

Six months later, just when Peter is giving up any hope of hearing from his friend, a voice wakes him up in the middle of the night.

"James, is that you?" Peter asks in amazement.

"Yes, it is," James answers.

"Well, tell me. What's it like?"

"You wouldn't believe it. All day long, all we do is eat and fuck. We get up in the morning, eat breakfast and fuck. Then we eat lunch and fuck until dinner. After dinner we fuck some more. We fuck until we pass out, then we wake up and fuck some more," James explains.

"If that's heaven, I can't wait to die!" exclaims Peter.

"Who said anything about heaven?" a perplexed James replies.

"I'm in Nevada and I'm a rabbit!"-
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Selecting a Penis Replacement

An Italian man was in a bad car accident and after months of recovery he still has a problem. He has to have his penis amputated. He goes to see the doctor and the doctor reassures him that he can help him.

"First of all you have to pick a new penis" says the doctor.
The doctor picks up a box from his table and says "This is our 6 inch standard model. It is dependable and will cost you only $6000. It comes with a lifetime guarantee.

The man says "Okay, that's about right but I have a question. What's in the other box?" "This is our 10 inch super model. 10 inches of muscle to please any women. But for this you have to pay $10,000!!"

The man says " oh yea, that's the one I want. My wife will love me forever. But does it also come with a lifetime guarantee?"

"Yes"

"Well what's in that other box?" The doctor picks up yet another box from his desk.

"This is our super deluxe model. It's 12 inches of all beef and will drive all the ladies wild. But if you want this much power you gotta pay $12,000 for it!"

The man is really on a roll and is tickled pink. "Doc, that's it, that's the one for me. I'll be the envy of everyone I know. But does it have a lifetime guarantee?"

"Yes sir."

Then the man says he has just one more question. "Does it come in white?"
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A Creative Headache Cure

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository... it's up to you!"
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Horse Race Line Up

In lane 1. Passionate Lady
In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big Dick
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry

AND THEY'RE OFF!!!

Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and
Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:

It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and
Big Dick is pushing in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE STRETCH:

Merry Cherry pops under the strain.
Bare Belly is making a final push.
Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH:

It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head...
Bare Belly shows...
Thighs weakens...
Heavy Bosom pulls up..
and Clean Sheets never had a chance.
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The Toughest Whore in the House

A grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in weeks, went to the local brothel and demanded the roughest, toughest and meanest girl in the house.

"That'll be Mary," said the madam. "Go to Room Four, and I'll send her up."

"Fine," said the lumberjack," and tell her to bring a couple of beers."

In due time, Mary appeared. She put the two bottles of beer on the floor, took off her negligee, positioned herself on her hands and knees and pointed to her pussy.

"No! No!" exclaimed the lumberjack. "In the bed, the old fashioned way!"

"Sure, pal," grunted Mary, "but I thought ya might want to open them beers first."
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A Cucumber, a Pickle and a Penis

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

The cucumber says "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad".

The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar".

The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!"
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A Penis Lands on the Windshield

A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off.

Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
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Welcome to Jamaica. Have a Nice Day

There's this guy named Jack, and he has a girlfriend named Wendy. Jack loves Wendy a lot. To prove how much he loves her, he gets "Wendy" tattooed on his penis. When it's erect, it says her name, and when deflated, it reads "Wy".

So, when she sees her name on his masculine member, she is overwhelmed. He pops the question, and she accepts. They decide to go to Jamaica for their honeymoon. Once there, they try out all the local culture, including a nude beach. They are having a great time, when Jack decides to get up from sunbathing and get something to drink at the beach bar. He walks over to the bar with his deflated love muscle, trying not to let his eye wander and end up embarrassing himself. He orders a drink from the guy at the bar, who is also naked. He is surprised to note that the bartender also has "Wy" tattooed on his penis!

Jack says to the guy, "Wow, what a coincidence. So, you have a girlfriend named 'Wendy' and her name is tattooed on your dick too?"

The bartender looks slowly down at Jack's thing, back to his and starts laughing. Flashing a wide grin, he says, "No, mon. Mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day.'"

 


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